Trekkies 1997 A Very Biased review

I really wished I didn’t read Outlaw Vern’s review first. No matter how I try, it is influencing me at this very second. I mean, his style is too unique to copy but his observations match many of mine. I guess I’ll just write this and let the chips fall where they may. 1st thing not mentioned by the better film reviewers is just how many times you gotta watch the f*cking film in question. Or maybe some of them do. I forget.

Disclaimers: I do not know any of the people in the film personally although me and “The Commander” have emailed back and forth a little bit. Gabriel’s father may actually be a nice guy who just happens to come across as a creepy punk, the chick who married the dentist may genuinely love the dude and only superficially meets all the usual criteria of being a gold-digger. It is also just as possible she is and the dentist don’t care as long as she keeps doing the things that got him to marry her in the 1st place. It is also very likely that I am  just jealous that Denise can make fun of the folks who guarantee her an income for life and actually make some more money making fun of said folks. As biased as this review is, an unbiased appraisal of her skills shows she is a better actress than many of the ones who took home an O*car (I mean a gold statuette from a certain academy) during my lifetime. So far, anyhow. I do have a news alert for the dentist’s last name. He ever tries to jettison her and there WILL be a Snapped episode. Count on it.

Queue credits and it’s “A Film By Some Guy I have Never Heard Of”. To be fair, I am pretty sure he has never heard of me. There is a clip of the guy who played Chekov making some snide remark about ST:TOS followed by the first of many “Punch my face Puh-Leeze!” characters, the dipstick who made up the Klingon language. There is a “Dr.” before his name but since there is no MD after it, he can bugger off. Dire consequences? From him? Not in my neck of the woods, bucko. Then some medicine man who seems a decent enough bloke, followed by the mighty James Doohan. There are some more introductory clips of fans, fanatics, and stars from the show. The very first time I saw this was many years ago when I still drank and the clip of Douglas Marcks made me drop my beer and laugh so hard I had trouble breathing. There were only two other times in my life that I can remember laughing that hard. Once was listening to Sebastian Cabot do a cover of “Like a Rolling Stone” and the other time was in the Army. It would take too long to set up and explain but it was funny. He\She\It starts off with a brazen lie, a promise of things to come. This person is exactly where John and Jane Q. Public get their ideas about TVs from. and it ain’t doing anybody any favors. The intro clips wrap up with a huckster who turns out to be a very easy to dislike person. It’s a good a time as any to mention I am Jewish. I bring this up only because I sincerely wonder where all this anti-Semitism comes from. Well, the huckster answers that question if only a little bit. So we are inadvertently getting two negative stereotypes being reinforced within the first couple minutes of run time.

Then comes a new set of clips to get us acquainted with the Expo scene I guess. Our heroine gets handed a mike as she bounds onstage. I am 99% sure its the Shatner lookalike handing her the mike. I just can’t see big Bill standing aside and handing a microphone to anyone. I do mean ANYONE from the Pope to Jonas Salk. The clip also reminds us just how pitiful the Klingon fans are. Then we get Denise doing a little sashay down memory lane on how she ended  up with a seat on the gravy train. I would call BS on some of it but since I don’t know her, we can give her a pass. Then a montage letting us know this is a global phenomenon. The gay guys from the USS battle Queen seem like they’d be OK neighbors. I was sort of bummed at how unkind the years were to the now deceased Yeoman Rand. If memory serves me correctly, her character in the ST:TOS reruns gave me the first stiffy that I can remember. Her or Georgette from the local Saturday night horror show. I hope my kids don’t read these. Then again the youngest is 15 so whatever. This is sort of a segue into introducing Gabriel Koerner. His name has an umlaut which may be indicative of what a tool his dad seems to be.

I guess my memory of the sequel is intruding on my memory of Gabriel’s dad. His mom is never shown which says a good bit. When showing off the “Roddenberry” Slickster dad intimates “I spent a lot of time in vans, that’s fer sure.” Oh, really? I doubt its him getting laid unless it involved chloral hydrate or a .357 under some poor woman’s chin. On that happy note we move on to Barbara (Bobby to her friends) Adams. She is probably known best as the person who wore her Federation Alliance uniform to the Whitewater jury selection. During our email exchanges I wanted to ask her if the Clintons put her up to it but the right moment never presented itself. I went to a Vo-tech high school and printing was the trade I learned before US industry took a dirt nap in 1981. I was also an artist at a silk screen shop after the Army so we had a good bit in common. She is a very intelligent woman who is also a pretty good artist. As funny as her antics with the Grand Jury may seem, how many folks live up to what few principles they have? You ROCK, Barbara! Vulcan-like stoicism indeed.

Then it’s some quality time with the cast. The guy who played Dr. McCoy and the guy who played Sulu both seem like very down to earth (no pun intended) cats who realize they hit the karma lottery. This was followed by Leonard (R.I.P.) Nimoy and Nichelle Nichols who both also seemed to be humbled by the experience. I know an awesome woman named after Nichelle Nichols. Like her namesake, she is also an intelligent, attractive, and awesome woman. Happily married, but still. There is a peek into an auction that reinforces what dick-heads most Klingon wannabe toughs are and also a nod to the fact Whoopi Goldberg couldn’t be funny if her life depended on it.  THEN comes the huckster. I walked away from this exchange feeling he is a money-grubbing assh0le but slightly impressed at his ability to fleece suckers in almost any situation. To the sucker who bought ‘the Q virus” I would like to say hangovers are not catchy.

This is followed up by recollections that are neither interesting nor surprising in any way. The other woman who became the final Mrs. Roddenberry shares what she thought to be a touching memory but almost gives away the fact they waited until the poor sap was dead as to not have to pay him squat. Then comes some of the more interesting bits. The fellow Jew who seems like the uncle you make sure you talk to at a family gathering and Starbase Dental. All of the help at Starbase Dental are attractive in their own way BUT little miss gold-digger is RIGHT there, making sure they do not say anything untoward. I imagine she is also making sure she does not become dethroned in the same manner she ascended to the throne. We are then treated to a talk with the aforementioned Douglas Marcks. He claimed to have watched the show since the 60s which is utter bullshit. I am 52 as I write this, and I was 35 when I first saw this. Star Trek didn’t go into syndication until the early 1970s and I started watching in 1974. Then again, pathological lying is the very least of this jackass’s problems. He is so jarring that the creepiness of the next fan wasn’t apparent to me until multiple viewings.

Yep, the “Spiner Femme” chick scared me more than any other person profiled. Mr. Spiner came across a a very likable and down-to-earth guy, even more so then some of the other seemingly nice folks in the cast. That being said, I sure hope his security folks have this chick’s vitals. I mean I have had a thing for Joey Heatherton since I was 10 but my girl doesn’t have to worry about me stalking Joey.  This is followed by a pretty cool story by Mr. Doohan, in turn followed by an ego stroke for big boy Billy. The interesting thing in this vignette is a contemptible Klingon chick and her pushy silliness. Teaching Kindergarten kids about diversity? OH, come on. They are the very models of not giving a shit about someone’s color or background. I hope some dyke beats her ass. Speaking of dykes, the chick from Voyager almost breaks her arm patting herself on the back. This is followed by a very charming pair of dykes who host a radio show. Charming if you ignore the show itself, that is. Then some really irritating chick who was the only f*ckable woman at the convention until someone said she had a bit part on one of the may ST series.

We get talks with more fans, most of whom seem ok folks. Then its two “kooky” radio morning hosts who really need the sh1t slapped out of them. Giving it some thought, that is probably true of almost any radio morning show duo with the very notable exception of Bob and Tom. Fearing that the irritation level was dropping they brought the assh0le Klingon linguist back for more silliness. Then some more of  the Klingons themselves. Gawd do I want to really slap them around. One of the few comments I have ever received was from someone who said I “remind them of a bully from some 1980s sports movie”. Well, thank you. If my time in the infantry has only taught me one thing is true badasses do not have to point out what badasses they are. They simply be. Around the hour mark teaches us a little about the theory of relativity. Its felt like a week and the Klingons remind you of why you hate them. A pretty cool kid talks about his very cool cat. This is followed by some jerk who really wishes HE was the one picked for jury duty. That’s all hindsight, bub. You ain’t got the balls Barbara has.

We are then treated to the biggest losers the film crew could dig up and then the now dead and painfully unfunny Fred Travalena does a closing number. It’s the same act he has did in Vegas since Hitler was a corporal and then we get some more silliness with the credits. I would like to point out to the folks at Starbase Dental and Denise, James Doohan lost his finger fighting at Normandy. Maybe you heard of it? Grrrr  If you like any of the Star Trek incarnations, don’t bother, it’ll just piss you off. If you don’t like Star Trek or never understood it, well you can have a hoot.  Once you have that hoot, you’ll feel bad. Like beating up someone who you thought was making fun of you only to find out he idolized you and was imitating you in sincerity. That will scar you forever. Or so I been told, I mean. uh heh heh. Is this thing still on?

BTW. What’s it feel like to be beamed?

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